Somewhere You Are...

Somewhere you are but I may never find you...

Midst the sea of nameless faces, I search for that familiar face which haunts my dreams and reveries...a face that's etched within my mind...a face that would not leave my heart...I would gaze deeply in a stranger's eyes...hoping that I would find within the reflection of my soul...and as each intimate stranger touch my life I pray that it would be the last...

In my endless quest and aimless wanderings, somewhere you are...

But I may never find you...

Today I sat and watched the waves

And watched the birds that flew

Today I sat and thought of life

And thought of life with you

Today I sat and thought of love

And thought of love for you

Today I sat and looked about

And looked about for you

Today I walked and walked about

I walked in search of you

Today I walked in search of love

In search of a dream come true

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I'm Scared to Lose You...

funny how it frightens me to lose you...funny how the thought terrifies me...ridiculous and absurd, absolutely insane...for how can i ever lose you when i don't have you...

i have always watched you through someone else's eyes...i studied every gesture you did...i followed every move you made...i gazed at you for hours and hours on end...

i have always touched you with someone else's hands...i gently ran my fingers through your hair...caressed your face as i drew you near...felt your warmth against my skin...

i have always heard you through someone else's ears...i listened to every word you said...i hang on to every breath, to every sigh, to every sound you made...

i have always loved you through someone else's kiss...i tasted how it was to be your bliss...

but you will never know that it was me...you will never love me the way i do...funny how it scares me to lose you...when i don't even have you... 

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My Miracle Find...

my heart lets out a silent scream...trying to reach you...it's you and me in my mind lately...wish i don't have to think about it, any more than i have to...it's out of my control, though...you invade my thoughts at my worst times...flashes of things, things we talked about...i don't cry about it, far from it...i don't lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and ask it why...i don't ask questions...well, not anymore...but i think about it...i think about you...

i think of those times i shared my thoughts with you...with you who actually know what i mean...who read my mind and finish my phrases before i even have the chance to blurt them out...you don't find the things i say intriguing or strange...you feel them as i do...and most of all, more than anything, you understand and accept me the way i am...

in your most strange way, you taught me not to waste life...that no matter how bad things get, it isn't worth it...you made me see that there's still beauty left in places...that i just have to turn my head another angle to see it...sometimes, it's shattered like broken glass, but you showed me how to arrange it like a puzzle for it to make sense...for the picture to become clear...

even if i never hear your voice when i talk to you as i sit alone in my room, i still feel your lingering presence...you're always there in the deep recesses of my mind...and when the world is fast asleep, i am never alone...for you are always with me, my miracle find...always...

When I feel like the world's gone mad

And I need you so bad

But I don't know where you are

I cry these tears

On our own we've been so far

We've sworn at the moon

And we've counted a million stars

My love's still true

Friends have come and gone

Some have left me alone

But I've stared at these walls before

And they've made me blue

All along in my heart I've known

There's one thing in my life

That still rings true

I can count on you

Count on you to be there

No questions in the air

No asking why or where

No looking back

Count on you every time

To ease my worried mind

You'll forever be important to me

My miracle find

If I had to choose one place

To spend the rest of my days

Anywhere will do

Long as it's close to you

Now oh now

We've travelled so far

Yet I'm right back where you are

Just me and you

Now and forever more

As the years go by

I'm beginning to see that I

Can count on you

~ Count on You by Tommy Shaw ~

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To Love or Not to Love...

just wondering...can life be lived without love?...or is there a way to love and not get hurt?...

I don't know...I just want to love and be loved...I want to trust someone with my deepest thoughts...share with someone intimate moments...I need someone to soothe my soul when I hurt...without even saying a word...just being there...I need someone to love me despite my flaws...and love someone back in spite of his...I want to be able to love when I am away...and when I am close...I want my love to give wings...not shackles and chains...I want to love always...for it is never an option for me not to acknowledge the presence of love...

Is there anyone there who understands?...to love or not to love, that is the question...what is your answer?...

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Perfect Strangers...

it's amazing how a person can spill the deepest feelings...the innermost thoughts...the darkest secrets with someone...how one can share the "true self" with another person...i used to wonder...can anyone really reveal one's self completely to any person?...bare one's soul?...and by doing so set one's self free...i realized one big thing...you can be yourself...however weird it may be...in front of a stranger...and pour out everything you always wanted to scream out but never had the guts nor the chance to...and it's so wonderful to see the reflection of yourself in someone else's eyes...in the eyes of this perfect stranger...

An afternoon of sad affairs

Shared in the hope of mending broken dreams

The constant struggle after simple pleasures

Finds us perfect strangers you and I

You know I hate to see you cry

And through the tears that fall like winter rain

You say you're tired of merely just surviving

We've so much in common that we're

Chorus

Perfect strangers singing perfectly in tune

From separate corners of the room

Held together by our hunger to get by

Perfect strangers you and I

Let's make a toast to no regrets

Wet down the painful sting of sweet love lost

Let evening find us whispering in our whiskey

Come and sit beside me for a while

You know I love to see you smile

And if perhaps you're only passing through

At least we tried to reach an understanding

And for just one moment we were

Perfect strangers singing perfectly in tune

From separate corners of the room

Held together by our hunger to get by

Perfect strangers you and I

~ Perfect Strangers by Neil Sedaka ~

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If You Want to Love Me...

if you want to love me...

don't give me empty words and promises...they are not what i need...if you want to give me your love, then do so completely...do not lend but a part of yourself whenever time permits...i need love which primes for deeper connection...i want all of your affection...not what is left from past affairs...not that which you give when you please...i want a love that is whole...that which emanates from the soul...i want someone who is factually true...with a kind of love happily exposed...not concealed nor supposed...i haven't time to play hide and seek...nor to decipher what one refuses to speak...i can't have one who is not sure...one who lives on the edge and is obscure...i need a lover who is willing to give each facet of life he lives...if you can love me like this, i'll give back endless bliss...i will treat you like royalty in return for your loyalty...each day will begin and the night will end with more pleasure than you can comprehend...for without the weight of worry or fear, my passion flows like a river so crystal clear...love me with the depths of you...and i will give the kind of love such as you never knew...together, we can share the joy of life in all ways...to last for the rest of our remaining days...

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WANTED: Soulmate...

we often wonder if we'll ever meet our soulmates...or if the one we are with right now is the one meant for us...we keep on believing...we keep on searching for that twin soul...it almost becomes magical...that journey in finding our soulmates seems like a blanket of overwhelming adventure...the thought seems mysterious but tugs inspiringly at the heartstrings...

in those moments of yearning and longing, we ache to find that special someone...that someone who spells happiness...who can fill up our loneliness...who can end up our uncertainties...the one that complements us rather than completes us...

the question is: in this not so perfect world, how do we find our soulmate when we have no place to start and we have no hint at whom to look for?...are they also looking for us?...

there must be signs when we finally meet our soulmate, like a fairy tale coming alive...there would be sparks flying...butterflies in the stomach...stuttered sentences...ease of communication...physical attractions...love-at-first-sights...answered prayers...love remembered from dreams...

hmmmmm...a soulmate connection...

after some time of expedition...i think i'll settle for a chatmate...well, for a while...

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Back To My World...

yes, I am back...I haven't really left you...I have been around, watching you...you are the reason why I still linger...you are a part of my world...I keep you there, holding you in a sweet embrace...I heard you calling out from your world...across time and space where meaning truly exists...I reached out to touch your aura...willing the vibes to flow through the realm of dreams into the galaxies beyond...I snatched up a part of your pain...feeding your heart with unwavering faith...infusing your soul with a fresh dose of hope...as always I do and will..from a distance yet not...like a never-ending shower of sparks...lifting your energized soul from the dark that bound you down...hold on tight, don't let go...use your triumphs and defeats to find your answers...carry on...I will never leave you...I'm holding you safe in my heart...be free...

Hush now, don't cry

Wipe away the teardrop from your eye

You're lying safe in bed

It was all a bad dream

Spinning in your head

Your mind tricked you to feel the pain

Of someone close to you leaving the game of life

So here it is, another chance

Wide awake you face the day

Your dream is over...or has it just begun?

There's a place I like to hide

A doorway that I run to in the night

Relax child, you were there

But only didn't realize it and you were scared

It's a place where you will learn

To face your fears, retrace the tears

And ride the whims of your mind

Commanding in another world

Suddenly, you hear and see

This magic new dimension

Chorus:

I will be watching over you

I am gonna help you see it through

I will protect you in the night

I am smiling next to you...in silent lucidity

If you open your mind for me

You won't rely on open eyes to see

The walls you built within

Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin

Living twice at once you learn

You're safe from pain in the dream domain

A soul set free to fly

A round trip journey in your head

Master of illusion, can you realize

Your dreams alive, you can be the guide but...

~ Silent Lucidity by Queensryche ~

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Somewhere I See You...

somewhere you are...and I see you...but cannot address you as one to another...the person drawn to a person...I lose my speech...am powerless for all my boundless strength...I am stricken still even as I strain...could I resist you?...am I won't to remember you limned in the skyline of this grey morning?...in forgetting, could I forget you?...would I force myself as one beholden to the sun for strength to yearn for the moon...when in yearning I would reap only the night?...I would deceive myself and pass off the lie as icing that easily dissolves in heat...but even in deception a morsel of truth remains...that you hold me hopelessly enamored...a lump of putty in your hands...

somewhere you are and I see you...and cannot forget you...images of you in the morning sun...the tempest...the rainbow arching across the sky after an afternoon of rain...this longing must cease...this fever must cool...this madness of hurt feelings...this thirst...the sum of what must be unfolded so the spirit might be calmed...

I see you and I become mute...and what has been told remains untold...somewhere beyond the gloom this ceaseless striving and I am near death for sore want...somewhere, beneath the scarlet lips I cannot reach even in my outstretched longing, is your presence...the cooling lake...the passing breeze...the blue sky touching the sapphire water across the horizon...

somewhere out of this madness is my fear...the loneliness of empty nights...dreams which have no end...and a fever of molten regrets...

somewhere I know I shall never find you...

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My Sunrise...

The night sets in and as I reach my room I hang up the smile I've worn all day. Tomorrow morning, it's the first thing I'll put back just in case it will be "the day".

I lay down in bed willing myself to sleep so my new day will hurry up and arrive. But as the world turn half way around, I think about him. It makes me smile, sometimes that smile turns into a giggle, and the giggle will turn into a burst of laughter.

And then there are times I get that lump in my throat and that tight feeling in my chest, and sometimes that feeling overwhelms me and begins to turn into a tear, and often that tear multiplies itself and breaks open the dam of emotions and I lose the battle.

Then somehow through either the joy or the sadness, I drift and find myself asleep. Then the dreams begin and keep me company until my new day arrives.

When I awake it's with such excitement! Because I tell myself this could be the day that every other day has led up to and the first day of the rest of my life. I quickly don my smile because I want him to see me at my very best. Then I look out the glass window even though I know it's still dawn, but I still have to confirm I've been given another chance to be with him.

Then I ask myself, "Is this the day?" And the excitement rushes over me again. "Where is it going to be?"

Will it be at the coffee shop with his frappuccino, oblivious to the world and lost in his book?

Will it be at the boardwalk where I would unexpectedly see his face amongst the crowd?

Or will it be at the parking area? The busy sidewalk? The convenient store?

So will today be "the day"? Will this finally be the day that I will not have to ever wait for another sunrise? Because whenever I want to see it, I only have to look at him and there it shall always be - in his eyes - and he will forever hold it for me.

He is my dawn, my sunrise, my new day.

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Restless Thoughts...

you watch that reflection in the mirror and all you see is a stranger with unmistakable longing staring back at you...

in spite of yourself, you have memorized the steady rhythm of the conventional routines like lines in a song...the same pace...the day stretched out like a long uninhabited road...nothing much is happening...except maybe the small quotidian tragedies...

you feel a distinct yearning to break free from the up-down calm breath of the humdrum aspirations...there must be more to discover...

in the dead hours of the night, you think of another place, as you listen to the swoosh of the traffic outside...or when you're alone in a your room, after a lonely meal...you dream of it...it's a fascination that's holding you enthralled...the air vibrates with promise...your head swims...your skin tingles...the restlessness grows each passing day...it's eating you alive...

you can't still the itch...you're longing to take this journey of discovery...only one thing is holding you back...that you may never return...

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Happiness...

"would you pursue happiness or let it find you?..."

until recently i haven't been pondering it much...then i find myself staring out of the window like today...

i've been fairly content with what i do...sometimes yes, i want or long for that feeling..."to love someone, to feel very loving towards someone very special and to feel it is returned"...other times fairly content, and don't ponder it too much...

then normal everyday things...like staring out of the window, thinking of you, smiling at something you've said or even just watching people go around...and I get to thinking again...longing for it...

given the way i feel above when i stop to consider..i am going to pursue happiness...

i guess you don't even choose "to pursue"...it's not a life decision...it's just part of the make-up of who are...

*excerpt from an online chat

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In Retrospect...

to drift in a train of thoughts...

afloat in a world of my choice...

to be where my heart desires...

to be where you are...

it has been awhile since my thoughts wandered back to a half-forgotten, half-remembered past...memories of a distant past that brought me back to the days of poetic and untroubled gaiety...the same memories that once brought me tears...are now the same reason for the sweetest smile on my face...

will you give me today for reminiscing and reverie?...i just want to remember what it was and what it might have been...

how can i forget...

the morning hello's...no words spoken...just a glance...a certain look that conveyed that wishful longing...

the never-ending phone calls through our own private lines...dedicated lines for all those heart-to-heart and mind-to-mind conversations...

the late afternoon drives to that hidden road by the air strip...or to that grass covered diamond field...or to that abandoned old pit...

a hurried kiss...a warm embrace before the break of dawn...

will i ever forget?...

yet, if I have to live my life all over again, i would still choose to live it the same way...for despite the hurts, i was happy...and i know i would never have known such happiness without the pains...

i am happy...i chose this life...i chose this world...maybe...just maybe...if i would say it often enough, it will become my truth...

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