Somewhere You Are...

Somewhere you are but I may never find you...

Midst the sea of nameless faces, I search for that familiar face which haunts my dreams and reveries...a face that's etched within my mind...a face that would not leave my heart...I would gaze deeply in a stranger's eyes...hoping that I would find within the reflection of my soul...and as each intimate stranger touch my life I pray that it would be the last...

In my endless quest and aimless wanderings, somewhere you are...

But I may never find you...

Today I sat and watched the waves

And watched the birds that flew

Today I sat and thought of life

And thought of life with you

Today I sat and thought of love

And thought of love for you

Today I sat and looked about

And looked about for you

Today I walked and walked about

I walked in search of you

Today I walked in search of love

In search of a dream come true

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I'm Scared to Lose You...

funny how it frightens me to lose you...funny how the thought terrifies me...ridiculous and absurd, absolutely insane...for how can i ever lose you when i don't have you...

i have always watched you through someone else's eyes...i studied every gesture you did...i followed every move you made...i gazed at you for hours and hours on end...

i have always touched you with someone else's hands...i gently ran my fingers through your hair...caressed your face as i drew you near...felt your warmth against my skin...

i have always heard you through someone else's ears...i listened to every word you said...i hang on to every breath, to every sigh, to every sound you made...

i have always loved you through someone else's kiss...i tasted how it was to be your bliss...

but you will never know that it was me...you will never love me the way i do...funny how it scares me to lose you...when i don't even have you... 

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Making Changes...

I will be making some major changes in my blog starting today. For a start, I already changed the blog url from luvafair.blogspot.com to lovethoughtsjoypain.blogspot.com. Testing the site using SEO for Chrome, the result shows the current ranking in Google at 0/10:

The most important and main challenge is to improve the Google PR of the site. :)

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Quest for Love...

searching for love...looking for love...finding love...

for most of us, it is our life's greatest challenge...to some, they have to pursue love to have it...while others wait for it...many have found it so easy...while to others it has become a lifetime quest...some kept the love they found...many have lost it...

but whether you have to search or to wait...whether love comes easy or it takes a long while...just hold on and enjoy the journey...eventually love will take you to where you belong...your heart will know when it's finally home...

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Walk Away...

i imagine what it would be like to see you once again...

i wonder if you'd still look at me with some pain in your eyes...while i try hard to keep my feelings in disguise...maybe you'd say something funny just to break the ice...and maybe for a second i would be feigning surprise...

maybe we'd both fake a smile and say the appropriate lines...pretend everything is fine just like the good old times...

"hello sweetie, not happy to see me?"...you'll say as you grab me in a warm tight hug...

i'll probably hold on trying not to let go too soon..."it's good to see you, it's been quite a while"...

"so how have you been?...you changed a great deal!"...would i hear the same hint of concern?...

"i'm tired but i'm ok...but hey! you're looking fine"...

"life is good...i finally got my peace of mind"...

and that's when it will hit that you're over me...and all that are left now are bits of memories...i'll step back trying not to make it worse by saying another word...

"i have to go, maybe we should catch up another time"...at this point, i can't stop the tears running down my cheeks...i'll stand rooted to the spot...too shocked to move and falling apart...

"goodbye sweetie"...then you'll turn your back...

we'll both walk away...we'll try to spare each other pain...we'll try not to feel...pretend this is not real...until finally, silence moves in to save us from this hell...

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My Miracle Find...

my heart lets out a silent scream...trying to reach you...it's you and me in my mind lately...wish i don't have to think about it, any more than i have to...it's out of my control, though...you invade my thoughts at my worst times...flashes of things, things we talked about...i don't cry about it, far from it...i don't lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and ask it why...i don't ask questions...well, not anymore...but i think about it...i think about you...

i think of those times i shared my thoughts with you...with you who actually know what i mean...who read my mind and finish my phrases before i even have the chance to blurt them out...you don't find the things i say intriguing or strange...you feel them as i do...and most of all, more than anything, you understand and accept me the way i am...

in your most strange way, you taught me not to waste life...that no matter how bad things get, it isn't worth it...you made me see that there's still beauty left in places...that i just have to turn my head another angle to see it...sometimes, it's shattered like broken glass, but you showed me how to arrange it like a puzzle for it to make sense...for the picture to become clear...

even if i never hear your voice when i talk to you as i sit alone in my room, i still feel your lingering presence...you're always there in the deep recesses of my mind...and when the world is fast asleep, i am never alone...for you are always with me, my miracle find...always...

When I feel like the world's gone mad

And I need you so bad

But I don't know where you are

I cry these tears

On our own we've been so far

We've sworn at the moon

And we've counted a million stars

My love's still true

Friends have come and gone

Some have left me alone

But I've stared at these walls before

And they've made me blue

All along in my heart I've known

There's one thing in my life

That still rings true

I can count on you

Count on you to be there

No questions in the air

No asking why or where

No looking back

Count on you every time

To ease my worried mind

You'll forever be important to me

My miracle find

If I had to choose one place

To spend the rest of my days

Anywhere will do

Long as it's close to you

Now oh now

We've travelled so far

Yet I'm right back where you are

Just me and you

Now and forever more

As the years go by

I'm beginning to see that I

Can count on you

~ Count on You by Tommy Shaw ~

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To Love Again...

why do we love?...it's reassuring yet scary to think that we are ready to do everything...that we are willing to give everything for love...knowing it may not last...and then, maybe we have to hold on to pain...so we can let go...and start all over again...for that is the point of living...to know and feel that you loved...and that you've been loved...

everyone lost someone they loved...may it be to death or circumstances...everyone gets hurt...and the world has no obligation to protect us from pain...not because we are good...or kind-hearted...that we are going to be spared from hurts...or from being left behind or betrayed...it doesn't work that way...but still we choose to love again...you choose it over and over again...because if you don't it's as if you choose not to live...

so my journey continues...i will find you...you who have the courage to love again in spite of the hurts...you who are ready to risk everything...you who will give me the strength to fall in love again...you who understand what is in my heart...i will find you...even if there is no assurance that our story will end with "I LOVE YOU"...

There's a saying old, says that love is blind

Still we're often told, "seek and ye shall find"

So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind

Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet

He's the big affair I cannot forget

Only man I ever think of with regret

I'd like to add his initial to my monogram

Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see

I hope that he, turns out to be

Someone who'll watch over me

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood

I know I could, always be good

To one who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some

Girls think of as handsome

To my heart he carries the key

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed

Follow my lead, oh, how I need

Someone to watch over me

Someone to watch over me

~ Someone to Watch Over Me by Ella Fitzgerald ~

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To Love or Not to Love...

just wondering...can life be lived without love?...or is there a way to love and not get hurt?...

I don't know...I just want to love and be loved...I want to trust someone with my deepest thoughts...share with someone intimate moments...I need someone to soothe my soul when I hurt...without even saying a word...just being there...I need someone to love me despite my flaws...and love someone back in spite of his...I want to be able to love when I am away...and when I am close...I want my love to give wings...not shackles and chains...I want to love always...for it is never an option for me not to acknowledge the presence of love...

Is there anyone there who understands?...to love or not to love, that is the question...what is your answer?...

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Perfect Strangers...

it's amazing how a person can spill the deepest feelings...the innermost thoughts...the darkest secrets with someone...how one can share the "true self" with another person...i used to wonder...can anyone really reveal one's self completely to any person?...bare one's soul?...and by doing so set one's self free...i realized one big thing...you can be yourself...however weird it may be...in front of a stranger...and pour out everything you always wanted to scream out but never had the guts nor the chance to...and it's so wonderful to see the reflection of yourself in someone else's eyes...in the eyes of this perfect stranger...

An afternoon of sad affairs

Shared in the hope of mending broken dreams

The constant struggle after simple pleasures

Finds us perfect strangers you and I

You know I hate to see you cry

And through the tears that fall like winter rain

You say you're tired of merely just surviving

We've so much in common that we're

Chorus

Perfect strangers singing perfectly in tune

From separate corners of the room

Held together by our hunger to get by

Perfect strangers you and I

Let's make a toast to no regrets

Wet down the painful sting of sweet love lost

Let evening find us whispering in our whiskey

Come and sit beside me for a while

You know I love to see you smile

And if perhaps you're only passing through

At least we tried to reach an understanding

And for just one moment we were

Perfect strangers singing perfectly in tune

From separate corners of the room

Held together by our hunger to get by

Perfect strangers you and I

~ Perfect Strangers by Neil Sedaka ~

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Here's Looking at YOU...

Have you ever found yourself engrossed in watching a stranger without meaning to? Something interesting must have caught your attention.

Many a times, while seated in one corner of a restaurant and waiting for a friend, I'd realize I have been watching the other customers. There'd be a group probably celebrating an occasion...a couple deep in conversation...a family eating out...

Or in a coffee shop, just after lunch, on a comfy sofa while gazing out the glass window, I'd watch the passers-by. There'd be the officemates hurrying back to work with cellphone neck straps advertising their company...some students in uniform busy with their gadgets...an old couple holding hands...ladyboys looking more gorgeous than real ladies, tall and slim in stilettos, garbed in the latest fashion trends...strolling couples lost in their own world...busy people going about their own lives...

Or at the park, sitting in a bench, I would notice that there'd be others occupying the scattered benches, mostly couples. Sometimes, it's even hard not to get wrapped up in someone else's conversation or public disagreement.

People-watching have become one of my favorite hobbies. Although I seldom do it actively, I often find myself doing it subconsciously. I guess most of us probably do...at the malls, inside a public transport, at the beach, inside the church...

We are all different in what we take in when we observe people. Something peculiar, unusual, unique or that really stands out usually catches our attention. While some are into general appearance, some would remember exact details, others are into body language. 

You, when you people-watch, are you a generalist who absorbs everything? Or are you interested in details? 

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Illusion...

we are submerged in this world with a REASON...in this place which allows FREEDOM of expression...we are kindred SOULS...yet, your answers are not for me to find...as you seek your own awareness, set your THOUGHTS free...unlock the VIVID sparkles of creativity...speak to me with words, about EMOTION in all its forms...let your soul break its silence...SOAR with me awhile in lucid BLISS...that I may learn and be inspired...let me have a glimpse to your MIND...don't be scared that you'll be judged...it's just one side of your DIMENSION...FEAR is only in our minds...let it not control your explicit imagination and put a LIMIT to your psyche...let your literally stream FLOW into infinity...it shall live long after it has been READ...as I was and am still...HERE...

Searching for a destiny that's mine 

There's another place another time.

Touching many hearts along the way

Hoping that I'll never have to say

It's just an illusion - illusion - illusion.

Follow your emotions anywhere

Is it really magic in the air?

Never let your feelings get you down

Open up your eyes and look around

It's just an illusion - illusion - illusion.

Could it be that it's just an illusion 

Putting me back in all this confusion?

Could it be that it's just an illusion now?

Could it be that it's just an illusion 

Putting me back in all this confusion?

Could it be that it's just an illusion now?

Could it be a picture in my mind? 

Never sure exactly what I'll find

Only in my dreams I turn you on

Here for just a moment then you're gone.

It's just an illusion - illusion - illusion.

Could it be that it's just an illusion 

Putting me back in all this confusion?

Could it be that it's just an illusion now?

Could it be that it's just an illusion 

Putting me back in all this confusion?

Could it be that it's just an illusion now? 

~ Just An Illusion by Imagination ~

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If You Want to Love Me...

if you want to love me...

don't give me empty words and promises...they are not what i need...if you want to give me your love, then do so completely...do not lend but a part of yourself whenever time permits...i need love which primes for deeper connection...i want all of your affection...not what is left from past affairs...not that which you give when you please...i want a love that is whole...that which emanates from the soul...i want someone who is factually true...with a kind of love happily exposed...not concealed nor supposed...i haven't time to play hide and seek...nor to decipher what one refuses to speak...i can't have one who is not sure...one who lives on the edge and is obscure...i need a lover who is willing to give each facet of life he lives...if you can love me like this, i'll give back endless bliss...i will treat you like royalty in return for your loyalty...each day will begin and the night will end with more pleasure than you can comprehend...for without the weight of worry or fear, my passion flows like a river so crystal clear...love me with the depths of you...and i will give the kind of love such as you never knew...together, we can share the joy of life in all ways...to last for the rest of our remaining days...

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Rescue Me...

i'm sitting here alone, staring into the darkness...i can hear the heartbeat hammering against my chest...i can feel the blood racing through my veins...they are as tangible as my pain...maybe if i cry myself long enough to sleep, i will get tired and blackout into a dreamless stupor...no more dreams...no more enticing dreams which turn into horrible nightmare...the most cruel nightmare which is "reality"...i tried to run away but it sought me out...it chased away all my wondrous fantasies...

i'm sitting here alone and helpless...crying out for you...

my world keeps on spinning...come and help me...

i'm drowning in my tears...save me...

i'm trapped in my pain...rescue me...

Rescue me from the mire

Whisper words of desire

Rescue me - darling rescue me

With your arms open wide

Want you here by my side

Come to me - darling rescue me

When this world's closing in

There's no need to pretend

Set me free - darling rescue me

I don't wanna let you go

So I'm standing in your way

I never needed anyone 

Like I'm needing you today

Do I have to say the words?

Do I have to tell the truth?

Do I have to shout it out?

Do I have to say a prayer?

Must I prove to you 

How good we are together?

Do I have to say the words?

Rescue me from despair

Tell me you will be there

Help me please - darling rescue me

Every dream that we share

Every cross that we bear

Can't you see - darling rescue me

~ Do I Have To Say The Words by Bryan Adams ~

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WANTED: Soulmate...

we often wonder if we'll ever meet our soulmates...or if the one we are with right now is the one meant for us...we keep on believing...we keep on searching for that twin soul...it almost becomes magical...that journey in finding our soulmates seems like a blanket of overwhelming adventure...the thought seems mysterious but tugs inspiringly at the heartstrings...

in those moments of yearning and longing, we ache to find that special someone...that someone who spells happiness...who can fill up our loneliness...who can end up our uncertainties...the one that complements us rather than completes us...

the question is: in this not so perfect world, how do we find our soulmate when we have no place to start and we have no hint at whom to look for?...are they also looking for us?...

there must be signs when we finally meet our soulmate, like a fairy tale coming alive...there would be sparks flying...butterflies in the stomach...stuttered sentences...ease of communication...physical attractions...love-at-first-sights...answered prayers...love remembered from dreams...

hmmmmm...a soulmate connection...

after some time of expedition...i think i'll settle for a chatmate...well, for a while...

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Acceptance and Accountability...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept 

the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference."

We are not perfect. In fact, most of us are damaged goods. We were raised by imperfect parents in an imperfect world. We were educated by flawed teachers and we mingled with fallible peers. We went through life with so much hurts and pains that the trauma is holding us back, preventing us from living the life we are dreaming of. We know we cannot change the past and the only way we can move on is to accept it and work with what we have. We should stop blaming others and our circumstances for what we have become. Blame would not advance us. We cannot control others or events. We can only control our own thoughts and actions. So we should learn to accept the things we cannot change and take responsibility for the choices we make.

"You are the person who has to decide.

Whether you’ll do it or toss it aside;

You are the person who makes up your mind.

Whether you’ll lead or will linger behind.

Whether you’ll try for the goal that’s afar.

Or just be contented to stay where you are."

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Back To My World...

yes, I am back...I haven't really left you...I have been around, watching you...you are the reason why I still linger...you are a part of my world...I keep you there, holding you in a sweet embrace...I heard you calling out from your world...across time and space where meaning truly exists...I reached out to touch your aura...willing the vibes to flow through the realm of dreams into the galaxies beyond...I snatched up a part of your pain...feeding your heart with unwavering faith...infusing your soul with a fresh dose of hope...as always I do and will..from a distance yet not...like a never-ending shower of sparks...lifting your energized soul from the dark that bound you down...hold on tight, don't let go...use your triumphs and defeats to find your answers...carry on...I will never leave you...I'm holding you safe in my heart...be free...

Hush now, don't cry

Wipe away the teardrop from your eye

You're lying safe in bed

It was all a bad dream

Spinning in your head

Your mind tricked you to feel the pain

Of someone close to you leaving the game of life

So here it is, another chance

Wide awake you face the day

Your dream is over...or has it just begun?

There's a place I like to hide

A doorway that I run to in the night

Relax child, you were there

But only didn't realize it and you were scared

It's a place where you will learn

To face your fears, retrace the tears

And ride the whims of your mind

Commanding in another world

Suddenly, you hear and see

This magic new dimension

Chorus:

I will be watching over you

I am gonna help you see it through

I will protect you in the night

I am smiling next to you...in silent lucidity

If you open your mind for me

You won't rely on open eyes to see

The walls you built within

Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin

Living twice at once you learn

You're safe from pain in the dream domain

A soul set free to fly

A round trip journey in your head

Master of illusion, can you realize

Your dreams alive, you can be the guide but...

~ Silent Lucidity by Queensryche ~

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A Bit of My Soul...

Nestled in an oversized-sofa, I was staring at the glass of pink guava juice in my hand as i make small talks with a friend. A hint of moving color made me look up and my gaze followed you as you sit at a table across ours.

Our eyes found each other's gaze, locked on a moment too long. I watched the movement of your hand as you bring the cup of coffee to your lips. There is something about your eyes, about your smile, about you.

I stood by the counter and I felt you standing behind me a little closer than would be normal. I felt a tingling warmth creeping within me. I was almost sure you can hear the thumping of my heart. My nostrils flared unwittingly, catching the primal clues of our bodies.

We never see each other again. But a bit of my soul is trapped in that coffee shop forever.

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Restless Thoughts...

you watch that reflection in the mirror and all you see is a stranger with unmistakable longing staring back at you...

in spite of yourself, you have memorized the steady rhythm of the conventional routines like lines in a song...the same pace...the day stretched out like a long uninhabited road...nothing much is happening...except maybe the small quotidian tragedies...

you feel a distinct yearning to break free from the up-down calm breath of the humdrum aspirations...there must be more to discover...

in the dead hours of the night, you think of another place, as you listen to the swoosh of the traffic outside...or when you're alone in a your room, after a lonely meal...you dream of it...it's a fascination that's holding you enthralled...the air vibrates with promise...your head swims...your skin tingles...the restlessness grows each passing day...it's eating you alive...

you can't still the itch...you're longing to take this journey of discovery...only one thing is holding you back...that you may never return...

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Au Revoir...

H ow will this way of life be the same as it was
A fter it has lost its reason for existence?
N ever in my wildest dreams have i imagined
Z est for life could begin and could easily wane.
E verything that happened is not without meaning:
L ife without our summer love is not worth living!

*rhyme was written in the early 80's

...that was a number of summers ago, when we first met...and i was so naive to think that love would never end and never hurt...that it would all be tenderness expressed by holding of hands and by the most gentle kisses...

...until that one fateful morning...i was sitting at the back pew when i saw you coming in at the side door...there was no mistaking that look of love in you eyes as you gazed at her...i thought i died!

...i left without saying a word...without saying goodbye...for i was not ready to let go then...but i have long forgiven...and i have forgotten all the pains...

...take care my friend...

...till we meet again...

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